Ah, Christmas! A time of mulled wine, twinkling lights, and that vague sense of panic about all the things we still haven’t done this year. But fear not! There’s no need to drag our unfinished to-do list into the new year like a reluctant reindeer. Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, “Necessary Endings,” is here to remind us that endings aren’t just necessary. They can be magical!
Life is made up of seasons, and every season has its end. Whether it’s a career that no longer challenges us or a friendship that’s outlived its purpose, endings are part of the natural order and life is full of it. But let’s be honest, most of us don’t like them. Whether it’s letting go of a job that’s going nowhere, ending a toxic relationship, or finally giving up on our fantasy of becoming a professional harmonica player, endings can feel uncomfortable, even painful. Despite the pain, and this is one of the book’s most powerful lessons, holding on too long can be far more damaging than letting go. Imagine carrying a box labeled “stuff I’ll deal with later.” At first, it doesn’t seem too heavy. But over time, it gets heavier and heavier, slowing you down until you can barely move. Refusing to face necessary endings can stunt our personal growth and even damage our mental health. Embracing them is actually one of the healthiest, most productive things we can do.
To drive this home, Dr. Cloud uses a brilliant gardening metaphor: Sometimes, we must prune a plant to make it thrive. Just like a gardener prunes a rosebush to help it grow, we need to prune areas of our lives that are dead, overgrown, or unproductive. This isn’t just about big, dramatic changes. It applies to everyday habits too. Maybe we are clinging to a schedule that’s completely unsustainable. Maybe we are trying to force ourselves to stick with a project that no longer excites us. Maybe this past year didn’t quite bloom the way we had hoped. Perhaps some projects withered, some relationships wilted, and some habits proved as fruitful as a Christmas tree that’s already shed all its needles. Sure, we have been watering that dead fern in the corner of our living room for months, hoping it’ll suddenly spring back to life. But it is time to face the music: It’s not coming back! And just like that fern, some areas of our lives need a good pruning too. It isn’t cruel; it’s compassionate. It’s not about giving up; it’s about making space for the things that can truly grow.
Dr. Cloud breaks endings down into three neat categories, and here’s where it gets interesting. Not all endings are the same. Recognizing which type we are dealing with is the first step toward managing them effectively:
Necessary Endings: These are the “it’s not you, it’s me” moments of life. Perhaps it’s a career path that’s taken you as far as it can or a relationship that’s no longer mutual. Maybe it’s a toxic friendship, an outdated goal, or the belief that you’ll finally start running marathons in January. Necessary endings are just that: Necessary! They create space for growth, even if they feel bittersweet at first. Some endings are simply unavoidable. Embrace it and move on!
Unnecessary Endings: Sometimes, we are too quick to give up on something that just needed a little more time or effort. Like abandoning an idea, a project, or a hobby because we weren’t instantly good at it. These are the things we cut off too soon. Maybe that idea, project or hobby just needs a little more care to bear fruit in 2025? Dr. Cloud encourages us to evaluate carefully before we pull the plug.
The “Denial Zone” Endings: The most challenging and most common type of ending is the one we know we need but are too scared to face. You know, the job you’ve outgrown but stay in because it’s safe, or the commitment that’s draining your energy but feels too awkward to let go of. The ones we pretend aren’t a problem, like unhealthy habits, bad relationships, or bad mindsets that stick around because we’re too scared to face them. By avoiding them we prolong the inevitable and keep ourselves from moving on.
The tricky thing about endings is they require courage because leaving the familiar behind can be terrifying. Saying goodbye to something - whether it’s a job, a person, or even a dream - means stepping into the unknown. And the unknown is terrifying. But there is a way to navigate these transitions with grace: By being honest to ourselves and accepting that it is time for a change, by focusing on the future and what we are making space for – and by sometimes enforcing limits with others and ourselves. Boundaries are not selfish, they are essential.
Sounds easier said than done because pruning seldomly feels great in the moment. We might second-guess ourselves. Maybe we will even feel guilty. Refusing to prune leads to stagnation. And nobody wants a life that looks like a forgotten backyard, overrun with weeds, dying plants, and that weird vine you should’ve dealt with months ago.
The shell of the nut:
One of the book’s most profound insights is that endings are gifts, not punishments. We often hold on to things far past their expiration date out of fear: Fear of being mean, fear of failure, or only plain fear of change. However, the kicker is that refusing to let go can hold us back more than any failure ever could. Acknowledging these endings is the key to freedom.
Doesn’t that sound good? What if we decided to reframe endings not as failures but as steppingstones to something better? Imagine what’s possible when we make room for the new! By pruning the things that no longer serve us, we create space for growth, renewal, and opportunities we couldn’t have imagined.
Let’s channel our inner gardener, grab those metaphorical pruning shears, and embrace the beauty of letting go. It’s not about giving up; it’s about growing up and growing forward. As Dr. Cloud puts it, “Growth itself demands that we move on.”
How Coaching can support:
One of the key parts of embracing necessary endings is figuring out what actually needs to end. A coach can act as a sounding board, helping us identify the areas of our life that aren’t aligned with our values, goals, or long-term vision. Through reflective questions and honest dialogue, a coach can guide us to spot patterns of stagnation, define priorities, and understand your fears.
Knowing what needs to end is one thing; figuring out how to end it is another. A coach can provide guidance on creating a thoughtful, intentional plan for navigating these transitions. This might include communication skills, establishing boundaries or planning next steps. And once the ending is in motion, Coaching can help us focus on the road ahead, crafting an unobstructed vision for what comes next and navigating the emotional aftermath, like grief, relief, or even second-guessing - and ensure we don’t slip back into old patterns.
Coaches create a safe space where we can explore our resistance and develop the confidence to move forward. In essence, it acts as a guide through the emotional and practical challenges of necessary endings. Whether we are facing a career pivot, rethinking our personal relationships, or simply wanting to realign our life with our goals, a Coach can be the steady hand that keeps us focused on what really matters: creating the future we want.
Endings aren’t just about closing doors. They’re about opening better ones. Coaching ensures we step through those new doors with clarity, confidence, and a plan:
My book of the month:
Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward (Dr. Henry Cloud, 2011)
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