As the year closes, many of us enter performance review or appraisal season. These conversations often come with an opportunity to give and receive feedback. At job and in life, when people are asked which conversations they dread the most, feedback always comes up. It is thrown our way every day, in different situations, from various people - sometimes even from strangers. And because there is little growth potential in talking about how to receive positive feedback well, how about we look at feedback through the eyes of the person receiving it?
Feedback is valuable information that we get from others about ourselves. It tells us how they see and perceive us, what they expect of us and where we stand in this world. Sometimes we seek feedback actively and sometimes it is presented to us as a gift we have not asked for. We crave it and we loathe it at the same time. Most of us do fine with positive feedback, but then there are the more bitter pills to swallow: Feedback that leaves us confused, enraged, or flustered - regardless of how excellent the giver’s skills are. It is the receiver who controls whether feedback is let in or kept out, makes sense or not.
Feedback comes in all kinds of ways, shapes, sizes, and – in the broader sense – in three forms:
Appreciation makes us feel seen and connected with other humans. This form of feedback strengthens our relationships and our self-esteem.
We typically welcome feedback dressed as advice when we have a need for direction or support. When we are open to it, it helps us grow, learn, and change.
Evaluation on the other hand tells us where we stand in comparison to others or in comparison to the giver’s expectations. Here, we are being assessed, ranked, rated, or judged.
All three types are vital because each of them satisfies diverse needs in us. It gets challenging though when what we want, and need is the opposite of what we receive. When e.g., we long to be seen and crave appreciation, however, what we are offered without asking for it is advice or coaching, things can get messy. Or if we ask for advice because we are looking for inspiration and ideas but find ourselves at the receiving end of an evaluation or assessment, we can struggle to embrace that feedback too. Subsequently, we are triggered.
Why is that?
When we feel triggered an event or a situation causes something to start in us (see deep-dive #5), and that something is always both physical and emotional. As human beings, we are wired to learn. It turns out though that learning about us is a whole different story. It can be painful, and we can feel conflicted. As we sometimes do when we receive upsetting feedback. Typically, feedback is prompted by a problem: something is not right – something has to change. But have you noticed? When we are the ones providing feedback, we are totally convinced that our criticism was constructive. We are confident that we have correctly identified the cause of the problem. What is the big deal?! But when it is us on the receiving end, we often hear feedback as a blame or a threat. It suggests that how we are is not OK.
This suggestion messes with two universal human needs: Our need for connectedness, and our need for growth. We are conflicted, and when we are conflicted, we are stressed. In deep-dive #4 we talked about how stress prompts our nervous system to autonomically jump to our protection to keep us out of harm’s way and alive. No matter if it is a saber-toothed tiger or unpleasant feedback, to our brain it is all the same: Danger! However, today, and with little to no saber-toothed tigers walking around this part of earth, it is that same automatic programming that can keep us from engaging constructively with the giver of challenging feedback.
We can be triggered by a lot of things, and in that, we are all different. However, what we do have in common is that whatever we are triggered by, can be put into one of these three categories:
Truth: This is about the “what,” i.e., the content of the feedback. We do not agree with what is said, and we tend to label it as all types of wrong: That cannot be! That is wrong! That is not true. It used to be right!
Relationship: This trigger touches the “We,” i.e., how we feel about the giver, how we feel treated by them and how we feel about our relationship with them. Are they credible? Do we trust them? Do we feel accepted by them? Hand on our heart: We are more often triggered by the person giving feedback than by the feedback itself. What we think and how we feel about them always trumps the “What.” This trigger is the most common derailer of feedback conversations.
Identity: Feedback can be threatening as it questions the most intimate relationship we have: The relationship with ourselves. Our identity triggers are mainly controlled by our individual wiring (see deep-dive #1), and therefore by our unique experiences and the story we tell ourselves about them (see deep-dive #6): Am I a good person? Do I deserve respect? Am I loveable? Do they know how amazing I am? We all react differently and to a different degree to identity threats and negative feedback, and we all take a different amount of time to recover from it.
Our chances of dealing well with upsetting feedback are best if we do so outside of our triggered state of mind. That sounds easy, and it is not but then again it somewhat is. It is the little things that make a significant difference, and it is the consistent effort that matters. Here is a selection of brain hacks you might want to try.
How to challenge your truth triggers:
First understand: Before you figure out what to do with the feedback, make sure you understand it: Where does it come from? Where is it going? What did you hear? What did the giver actually mean?
Find out, what type of feedback you are dealing with: Once you understand where the feedback is coming from, i.e., are you being appreciated, coached, or evaluated, you can map this information against your current needs. Now you can take a more informed decision about how you would like to deal with it.
Shift from “That’s wrong” to “Tell me more”: When we respond to critical feedback by focusing on what we think is wrong, we are suggesting that our interpretation is the only source of truth. Make yourself consciously aware that we are different people, live different lives, hold different roles, live in separate places, experience different circumstances, and inhabit different bodies. We are individuals in every meaning of the word. Make a list of what about the feedback might make sense or is worth trying and experimenting with.
Our rules are not the rules: When we as receivers make an effort to understand the system that the giver comes from and the implicit rules that shaped them, then their feedback might actually start making sense to us.
Explore your blind spots: There is always a gap between the self we think we present, and the way others see us. We are not only blind to certain things about ourselves; we are also blind about the fact that we are blind. Discover how you come across. In that, reach out to people who you trust to be your honest mirrors. They will show you what you look like when you are not at your best.
Embrace your bias: Our feedback is always autobiographical, and the lens through which we interpret data is a unique one. We deliberately seek data that confirms our assumptions and views of the other person. It is human nature, and we cannot do anything about it. We are all biased. It helps to accept that and to come to terms with the fact that nothing takes subjectivity out of feedback because nothing can. It is shaped by the unique systems each of us lives and works in.
How to challenge your relationship triggers:
Separate the “What” from the “Who”: This is one of the most important keys to managing relationship triggers well. However, it is not that easy because we can be triggered by feedback even when the relationship is good. That typically happens when we feel that the giver challenges our autonomy, or does not respect our boundaries, or is trying to control or change us.
Avoid “switch-tracking”: Imagine this short conversation:
Manager: “You didn’t meet the sales numbers.”
Sales Rep: “Why are you telling me this right now before I head out on vacation?”
What has happened here? The Sales Rep completely changes the topic from his manager’s feedback to him, to his feedback to his manager. Now there are two topics on the table, two feedback givers and no receiver. This is called “switchtracking,” and it is a great recipe for a feedback conversation dead-end. In this situation, the simple act of noticing and validating that there are two topics on the table and that both are important, is a great start. The giver and the receiver can then agree to address one topic at a time and give each its own conversation track.
Take a systemic view: This is about making ourselves aware and accept that the feedback giver and we are standing at an intersection where our natural differences bump into each other. We are individual and we are different. However, sometimes the roles we must play, or the systems we operate in, can also significantly impact the friction between us. Hence, ask yourself how these roles, procedures, policies, or systems we each play in impact the feedback you are receiving. Take an HR person and an employee e.g.: Even if they were identical twins, their roles might create a conflict in the work environment while outside of work their behaviors, experiences, and preferences could be identical and they got along great.
Take responsibility for your part: When we find feedback challenging, we tend to see only one part of the problem, and it is usually the part that the other is contributing to it. However, as givers and receivers we are both are both involved and hence both part of the problem. Start by asking yourself what it is that you are doing that is contributing to the problem.
How to challenge your identity triggers:
Examine the patterns of your mind and your behavior: We can educate ourselves how intensely wiring affects how we hear positive and negative feedback (see deep-dive #1). It influences how high we swing up from our comfort level, how low we descend from it, and how quickly we recover from it. Get to know your patterns better!
Dismantle your distortions: Extreme feelings are amplifiers. They lead to equally extreme interpretations about the past, the present and the future like e.g., “What is wrong with me?” “It’s not one thing, it’s everything!” These extreme interpretations lead to distortions: the feedback is blown out of proportion, we exaggerate it, and it grows so damning that we feel overwhelmed by it. A way to help dismantle our distortions is to separate and analyze what the feedback is about and what it is not about. By doing that we have a good chance to cut it down to its actual size.
Cultivate a growth identity: Try to see yourself as ever evolving and growing instead of telling yourself the story that you will never change. How you are now, is how you are now. Start seeing the world as a learning space and embrace your brain’s neuroplasticity superpower (see deep-dive #1).
Even if we would prefer a dental procedure over an upsetting feedback conversation: Often, it is the uncomfortable feedback that gives us the most room to grow. Want to fast-track yours? Go to the people you have the hardest time with and ask for their feedback. It is never pleasant to hear what they have to say. But even if 90% of what you find is still off target, the other 10% might be just the insight you need.
And for those of you who love visuals and prefer an even more brief summary of the book I have based this deep dive on, here you go:
The shell of the nut:
We tend to underestimate the importance that the receiver plays in the feedback conversation.
It might be even fair to say that their impact on the conversation makes the biggest difference to the outcome of the conversation. The chances of dealing well with non-flattering feedback are even better when we find ways to face it outside of our triggered stone-age mind and when we see it as an opportunity to be curious and to learn. We need one another to see the whole picture of who we are in this world more clearly.
Have you heard about the “happiness formula”? It states that an impressive 40% of what we individually think happiness is depends on our interpretation of our experiences. In other words, and to a large amount our happiness does not depend on what happens to us but on how we interpret what happens to us and the meaning we make of it. In the context of how to deal with challenging feedback well, this is quite powerful: We can influence and control some 40% of our happiness by actively choosing to change our thoughts, feelings, and interpretations. So, next time when we tell ourselves that we are useless because our manager did not agree with the communication we sent out: Let’s check your plot and change our story.
How Coaching can support:
Coaching can help clients become more aware of their emotional triggers and reactions to feedback by supporting them in exploring the patterns in their mind and their behavior. Recognizing these is the gateway to learning how to self-regulate their reactions without being overwhelmed by emotions like anger, shame, or defensiveness. Coaches can support clients also in their pursuit of dismantling their distortions and seeing challenging feedback at actual size.
Through focusing on mindset and perspective shifts towards more curiosity and learning, and from “that’s wrong” to “tell me more,” Coaching can also support clients in viewing feedback as an opportunity to grow rather than consider it a personal attack to their identity. In that, clients can learn how to remain grounded in their resources and capabilities, which allows them to respond with confidence and openness to challenging feedback.
Clients can explore through coaching how to distinguish between feedback that is helpful and feedback that is irrelevant and how to put their insights into action. In that Coaches often serve as a supportive mirror for our blind spots by asking those lovingly disturbing questions that prompt for developing more self-awareness.
My books of the month:
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (Douglas Stone/Bruce Patton/Sheila Heen, 2023)
Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Douglas Stone/Sheila Heen, 2014)
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